Regarding Sierra……and my extra 35lbs.

I have decided to explain to all interested parties what is going on in our family right now.  I know there have been several cryptic posts on this blog and on Facebook that no one would understand if they did not already know what was happening.  So, to save me having to repeat myself I am going to do this one time right here.

Many of you know that Sierra has been having a rough couple of years.  It started with some strange behavior that led to trouble with school and a year of homeschooling.  I’m not sure how much actual “schooling” happened during that time but it did give me the opportunity to keep her close and discover that some things were not right with her.  She was suffering, sad, even depressed which turned into self-harm (cutting) and suicidal thoughts and threats.  Thus began the rocky road of therapy, psychiatrists, and meds.  We got an official diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder.  Two psychiatrists have confirmed the diagnosis. 

I never fully understood the chaos that this experience would bring into our home until it was on us big time.  It was so gradual and we were so absorbed with trying to get her help that we failed to see the pain that our other children were in.  Because of this we made the decision to have Sierra move in with my parents with the hope that after a few weeks of quiet she would be able to calm down and focus.  That her sisters would get a needed break.  It was not a successful experiment.  Over the summer her behavior has become more erratic and her manic and depressed states further apart and more rapid in their cycles.  The cutting continued and her suicidal threats resurfaced.  After a couple of weeks at Kendall’s parent’s house we realized that she needed more help than any of us could give her.  Kendall and I flew to Utah to begin looking at residential treatment centers.  We chose Utah because they seem to specialize in the type of program that treats adolescent girls with issues like Sierra’s, as well as addiction recovery, etc.  We tentatively planned to fly to Arizona as well if we could not find the right place in Utah.  Something about the west….We are grateful that we did find someplace for her where we have family close by that can visit her more often than we will be able to.

Sierra is at an all girls program.  She will have individual therapy at least three times each week along with several therapy groups.  She has equine therapy two days each week and additional opportunities for riding the horses.  That is one of the things we were looking for because of her love of horses and the natural ability she has with them.  The girls also tend two gardens and eat the food that they grow.  They train to run in local 5K races and train with a boot camp instructor from the Air Force base three days each week.  They have school Monday-Friday from 3-7 pm.  She will complete her freshman year before she comes home.  As far as when that will be be depends mostly on her.  The girls work through a series of “levels”.  The goal, obviously, is to complete all of the levels in preparation for coming home.  Sierra has the advantage of having gone willingly into the program and wanting to make changes.  Hopefully this will help her work through the levels more quickly, but who knows.  As a family, especially as her parents, we also have assignments that we must work on in order for Sierra to advance from level to level.  We have a family therapy session (conference call) once each week as well and we will all be getting the help and counseling that we need to help Sierra return home successfully. 

As Sierra achieves her levels she will get more freedom and responsibilities.  For now her only outside contact will be with her parents.  At some point she will be able to get letters from other family members and friends that are on her approved list.  Please let me know if you would like to be added to the list and I will let you know when the appropriate time comes.  We also look forward to home visits in the future and the long parent weekends that we will be going out there for.

There are a lot of complicated emotions that go along with sending your daughter away so far, for so long.  Please bear with us as we process it all.  We appreciate the love and prayers that have been sent our way.  We really have been in our own little bubble the past couple of years.  A little anti-social to tell the truth.  We are feeling a lot of hope for Sierra, and for our family as a whole.  We look forward to the things that we will learn and plan on coming out of this much stronger and wiser.  We are also ready to play more and worry a little less.

Now, as far as that pesky 35lbs……..I’m not blaming Sierra.  I blame me.  But at least I haven’t become a raging alcoholic!  Food is a little bit better addiction and coping mechanism, but absolutely not a healthy one.  I am determined to work as hard at becoming healthy as I know my sweet baby girl is.

I believe she is being tested and made stronger for a great purpose. I just wish I could know now what it is!